When I first saw 13 Reasons Why advertised on Netflix it really sparked my interest, the story was close to home in a way as I had lived through a rape. I had suffered blame for something that was out of my control and slandering tales told by my attacker to mutual parties in an attempt to undermine the credibility of my story. The boyfriend wanted to watch it too, and we decided to watch it in French as he doesn’t speak English so he would need subtitles. He didn’t know about my past trauma at this point. As soon as it came out we dived in, back then there was no warning in front of the episodes. I remember some scenes were vividly well portrayed, other times I couldn’t face watching it so hide behind my alcohol, getting drunk and falling asleep mid-episode. It was very hard to watch and triggered me a few times. I feel a bit stronger now and I would like to rewatch it. Alone. So that way if I am triggered I can stop when I please as before I was forced to carry on when uncomfortable. I have also picked up a copy of the book from my last trip to the UK and I look forward to reading it.
Although I have been suicidal during my recovery I haven’t given in yet and I don’t plan to any time soon. Yes it’s hard and sometimes it would easier not to be here anymore, but one day it will get better. I have seen what suicide does to those that are left behind and even though my pain is great their accumulated pain would be greater so I try and hang on.