Yesterday the psychologist I saw asked me what I wanted to achieve by pressing charges and what I wanted the justice system to do. I hadn’t really thought about this as such because I am sadly not expecting the justice system to do anything. It has been over two years and the only evidence is my word and the trauma the psychologist says I’m going through. I would rather say so bluntly; I am depressed. I think the most I can hope for is that the police keep it on their database because when he starts again if the next person is brave enough to press charges there will be a previous story, thus adding more weight to any future charges. I say when because knowing his character he will start again, there will be other victims and there will be more hurt. It’s just now I felt safe enough to press charges, supported enough by my partner and a few close friends.
This raises the question of what I want to achieve with this blog. I want to break the stigma that surrounds rape, I want to be clear that I never asked for this, not by what I was wearing or by any other means. That I am a victim and victims are innocent thus shouldn’t be blamed. Honestly, I blame myself enough without other people blaming me. I would like to share the damage and trauma this attack has caused me, with real people who may be unaware of the deep damage this can do. I would like psychology students or anyone who would poetically be involved with other victims to have a window into how brutal the damage can be. When I started this blog I thought it would just be snippets of the book that I am working on to entice potential readers and build a bit of a following. Now I realise that by dividing myself into 1000 word blog posts I am getting a lot more writing prompts that I would have by telling the story from start to finish. This blog permits me to put more detail into certain things that probably wouldn’t belong in the book. This blog has helped me build up the strength to go to the police station, realising I am sadly not alone. It has given me a means of documenting how I went to the police station and the process of pressing charges. By typing these posts I feel less alone and my mind feels more ordered. If by sharing the process and my story it encourages other victims to go to the police or get help then that’s brilliant. I am not deeply religious but there are some lovely people on here who have been praying for me and praying for justice. It’s heartwarming to know there is that kind of support. Then there is also the moral support of people commenting and saying they’re sorry about what I have been through, comments saying that I will heal with time. I think it is somewhat important that I share my journey with other people, to show that survival is possible but the after effects of my attack are damaging and could probably have beaten me many a time. I have been suicidal, I drink way too much and I have somehow managed to hold down a job up until this point.
So what do I want to achieve with my book? If I am writing it all on this blog then what’s the point? I wanted to tell my story as a cautionary tale, creeps and weirdos are everywhere and being polite doesn’t get rid of them. I am hoping to write the book as a story, mostly past tense because these events are behind me now. I can’t go back and change them. I don’t want to say my trauma defines me but sadly it is a large part of me. A book should be readable from start to finish, whereas this blog jumps around a lot. Any story is worth telling if it’s told well enough. I may never finish my book, I am 20,000 words in but I could always abandon it. It could become too difficult to write. This blog will stand testament that I tried. Even if I can’t have my attacker brought to justice people will know it happened.