I didn’t press charges

Today was going to be the day! I got drunk on Saturday, I convinced myself I could do this. Drunk Andrea has motivation and ambition and plans things for her life. Sober Andrea plods on day after day. Drunk Andrea applies for a driving license, sober Andrea drives around in her Mum’s car. Drunk Andrea signs up for an online course, sober Andrea does all the work. Drunk Andrea decides sober Andrea can press charges, that sober Andrea is strong enough to. Sober Andrea thinks she is. Sober Andrea thinks she needs the support of her partner. Sober Andrea calls it off at 1am while walking back from the karaoke at the local bar, saying she’s too scared to.

Not today, but hopefully one day. I think I need to gather my strength, work out the entire story and then go. I doubt the police will care I received dick pics beforehand. Or that going upstairs in front of him he groped me. I can’t imagine they’d be happy if they knew or if it would even matter that I stopped speaking to him and started avoiding him. I think that I want to go alone, or at least not with my partner. I don’t think I want him knowing about all the intimate details, he already has a vague outline and it’s hard for him.

I’m still carrying on with my story, 9437 words in after only four days. I have given a name to the monster. All people included are having their names changed because I don’t want any trouble for slander. He is now called Ahmed, the rest of the description is correct though. For now, I would like to share this short description of my attacker.

Ahmed had a TV in his second-floor room and would invite a few of us over to watch films in the evening that he pirated off the internet. I liked being around people, even though I wasn’t the most talkative it was a nice atmosphere. Myra used to complain about the smell of weed though as he’d sit in his room with two other guys passing a joint around with the window closed. I used to have to be really careful after being in there because I found the weed smell clang to my clothes and hair and working with children, it’s just not a good image. The conversations were weird though, both Ahmed and Myra were signed up for a dating site. Although it wasn’t like Tinder where it’s mainly normal photos, this was a site where the profile pictures were explicit. I had never seen so many dick pics on one screen, Myra used to pass them around and laugh about the appearance or size. I tried to laugh it off the best I could.

It was around this time that Ahmed started flirting with me. I’d had a few flings in France, nothing major. Just the kind of three-month boyfriend girlfriend thing that is always doomed to break down because there’s no real interest other than sex. Nobody had shown any interest in me for the best part of a year and I was flattered by the attention. Especially since it was in winter and I was wearing baggy jumpers and shapeless clothing in general. My skin was dry from the winter air and I just didn’t feel in any way attractive, society and the media dictated I wasn’t. He was being nice, in the mornings if I saw him he’d always offer me hot chocolate or biscuits. When I told him I didn’t have much money for food he said I could take what I wanted from his cupboard. I never did though, I’d rather be self-sufficient and I was never that hungry. We would talk about our pasts and he opened up to me that his mother had abandoned him into foster care at a young age so that although he had Algerian origins he couldn’t speak Arabic or anything. He even tried helping me with the welfare forms which are always a nightmare in France. I found out he was there because he had split with his ex-girlfriend and the only income he had was from the welfare system. He was waiting for social housing and didn’t want to waste too much money in the meantime.

Just by looking back in this I can see the build-up to what was coming so clearly. I did start distancing myself but it wasn’t enough. I can now see how much of a predator he really was and I think that will only help more when I am finally able to press charges. I think these little details the followed were harassment and I’m sure it will interest the police that he harassed Me and then went on to attack me.

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