On Saturday I got drunk, I was confident I wanted to press charges and I said so to some very close friends. I got very motivated thinking I could finally do it. Go to the police station, tell them what happened. Get it over with. Now I’m sat here completely sober and thinking that I can’t go through with it. As it stands it is actually two charges, one against the landlady who refused to declare me as living there. She housed me illegally for seven months and at no point was I declared of given a rental contract. The other charge is the more dangerous one against the person who raped me. I’m scared. I’m not as brave as I thought I was. I want to go, but I don’t want to talk about it. I want to forget.
I’m scared that I won’t be listened to. Or that I will explain badly, get interrupted. I worry I will panic and forget how to talk. The names of the acts I went through, I don’t know what they are in French. Then there’s the fact that there were no witnesses, it’s been two and a half years. I could have screamed and at least ten people would have heard. I could have done more than bite. I can make it worse still, after the incident he went and told all the people living in the shared house that I was his submissive. That I would apparently let him beat me before he got to commit depraved sexual acts to me. The fact that when I tried to tell these people they didn’t want to know because they already heard his story.
What if I say this and I have to see him in court? What if it goes to court and I get called a liar?
I was meant to be going to the police station tomorrow. I called them on Saturday to ask a few questions.
1 – Can I have an appointment to press charges? No, you need to come between office hours.
2 – I only have a first name, is that a problem? No, but all the extra information you can give us will help.
3 – It was two and a half years ago, am I too late? No, please come and speak to someone.
If it is just me against him how do I know it will be taken seriously when this narcissist has already lied convincingly enough to all mutual acquaintances?
I think I am now at a point where I want closure, and that’s what I am trying to achieve with writing. My aim is to write this into a book, get the complete story on paper, change the names and the places and publish it. A cautionary tale of sorts. However, that won’t get this person removed from society where he is a danger to all women. I worry though that if I do win after a few short years he will be out damaging society again.